Why and how summertime can be more fruitful in assessing and recalibrating screen dynamics at home. Post-pandemic and mid smartphone push-back…
As I write, I can hear in the backdrop the animated tones of our daughter on a Minecraft / Zoom call with one of her oldest, dearest friends at some 150 miles separation. A separation born of our move from central London to the countryside, during the pandemic.
How long will she spend on this call? How long is too long…? These are matters of nuance and subjectivity. From my perspective right now, the absorption in the fun of reconnection online is facilitating my capacity to do deeper, creative, guilt-free work.
As I often recommend to parents, our daughter’s call is taking place in an open plan, public space in the home, where without being intrusive, there is the benefit of passive surveillance. This is an excellent facilitator for managing online safeguarding.
I am certainly not listening in to the content – but I am easily able to track the tone and energy of the call from a distance. It’s reciprocal, there’s a lot of prosody – musicality, a sing-song vibe, that goes hand-in-hand with playfulness when people are in ‘safe and social’ mode – as per Steven Porges’ Polyvagal Theory.
I won’t intervene apart from to offer top-ups of water to a teen whose capacity for going without hydration when in flow rivals that of a camel on a desert trek! And if the tone of conversation takes a dip after time, I would think of nudging an end time.
And if she’s ended up being on the call sufficient to exceed her limit, I’ll probably increase the limit – because today, this session is serving a good purpose, filling the bucket of connection time. Collaboration-rich, animated conversation, face-time interactions, creative endeavour.
It will probably make her feel a little icky to have been gaming for 2 hours plus…But that’s OK. It’s something we can talk about in a light way when we chat at lunch time and debrief about our mornings. So long as it’s not a picture of daily, chronic use, a little bit of excess is actually hugely instructive and helpful for developing the practice of self-awareness and self-regulation. And it’s probably as a result of experiencing the aftermath of a screen marathon that has helped her find her own disenchantment with the consequences…
Knowing that playing Minecraft for a long stretch will make you a little travel-sick, having that narrow focus on the laptop or tablet means your posture has made your body feel cramped and stiff, and your eyes need a break from the close focus…being able to track without judgment and fear – and being encouraged to do it with openness – is helpful for developing the capacity for kids to set their own limits / respond positively to limits and recognise from the inside out the value of variety in their daily diet.
Variety and vitality – The Healthy Mind Platter (Dan Siegel)
I am a great fan of Dan Siegel’s Healthy Mind Platter and use it a lot to help provide an agile and flexible structure to the task of parenting a teen whilst working from home over the Summer holiday.
These seven ingredients act as an excellent guide for managing time – time together, time apart. Time that is productive, time that is restful and restorative. Time that is creative, time that is playful and active, time that is reflective. Siegel and Rock’s framework emerged in 2011, to provide a sense of the ingredients of what sort of balance we need in our lives in order to thrive.
So every day during the Summer, there’s a sense of needing to check in with each of these elements in a quality way. And it provides a helpful structure to a go-to menu of activities that are attractive. If you’re concerned your kids are spending too much time on-screen, and you recognise that the way their online products are designed is to hold their gaze, then you have to have attractive alternatives.
Of course, this can be a summer camp. Expensive, but it caters to structure and the provision of stimulus and organically limits the screen use – and you pay for it to be someone else’s problem. Many, many virtues to this.
But there’s also the benefit of the summer period for developing intrinsic motivation, self-drive, self-discovery, self-regulation. If the relative freedoms can offer the chance for you to be a little more connected with the kids without the tyranny of the term-time homework – kit – school – logistics treadmill, it can be a fruitful time indeed. To lean in and learn about what they like to do with their time when they get a choice…what floats their boat – whether online or off – and why. To see their strengths and interests. To talk about the values inherent in them.
And if you want to do a digital re-set, here’s the chance to do it from a more secure base of connection rather than corrective criticism, blame, shame.
As an educator of some 28 years experience, I can say very confidently, that children’s lives during term time are very strong on focus time and activity, not so much on ‘down time’ and ‘time in’ – which involves quietening and reflecting on one’s inner experiences.
That might be a solitary activity, it could be meditating, journalling, daydreaming, it might form part of a conversation. Both these elements of down-time and time-in are important for mental recovery and processing the intense multi-sensory, information-rich lives we lead both at school and at work.
For many of us, screen-time is part of our down-time. That passive scrolling and shopping, and hopping from app to app, grazing various social media sites and emails for messages can consume us, absorb us…and eat away at the balance of the mind-platter.
How many of us, in the limited ‘connecting time’ we have at home in the evenings, spend a deal more of it that we would actively plan for, multi-tasking…? But is it actually restful? It certainly helps us ‘zone out’ – but is it contributing to an ongoing state of nervous system activation as we browse from one thing to another?
Attentional focus.
Multi-tasking and switching focus frequently causes a well-established cognitive drag, (Daniel Levitin – The Organized Mind 2015) and is inherently stressful. It’s harmful to our capacity for channelling our focus, and therefore also damaging to our access to a sense of mastery…one of our core psychological needs.
The world of the attentional gadfly, or of extended periods or sensory or information overload are not compatible with how we are made. So whilst we think we’re chilling out…are we really? Or are we distancing and immersing in something that exploits our reward system and milks our dopamine. It’s KFC chilling out, rather than really restful. And we need variety and quality in our rest.
There’s even a difference in the quality of our reading when we read online. We are surfing, taking in information at a shallow level, often mis-reading, dipping, skimming, skipping, not even finishing reading the article or even the advert or promotion before our eyes.
A study from the University of Valencia published in 2023 indicated the difference in value between reading texts in print vs online. Professor Ladislao Salmeron, the co-author of the paper, differentiated between the ‘reading mindset’ for print vs digital media. Ironic, given that I am hoping people will read this article online! Apparently, the reader ‘doesn’t get fully immersed in the narration, or doesn’t fully capture the complex relations in an informative text”.
You can follow the link to the report here: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/00346543231216463
I often speak about digital parenting for schools and corporate parent groups. It’s a hot topic – and the emergence of research correlating excessive screen use with poor mental health outcome has converged with the observations of many professionals working with children: teachers, doctors, psychologists, therapists.
Jonathan Haidt’s book has rightly attracted a great deal of attention – The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing and Epidemic of Mental Illness. Laying the blame for the epidemic of all the big ticket mental health issues affecting young people firmly at the door of tech culture, corporate profit, persuasive design, society…
And of course, we parents who not only opened the door to this big bad wolf, but allowed it to take up residence…
Screenlife- confusion and conflict at home…
There is no doubt that screen-time is one of the premier points of confusion and conflict in family life. Especially where there are stressors in family life – like pandemics, illnesses, increased burdens of care, economic pressures. Even more so where there are the natural ruptures and misattunements that can enter into relationships in family life as children grow that may lead to patterns of distancing behaviour.
Like many working parents, I have so many points of gratitude for what the online world has to offer. We get time, behavioural calm from our kids whilst they are ‘eyes on’ the screen. There are benefits baked in to the digital dynamics of family life. Our kids also get stimulus. Ideas, belonging, tuning in to trends, and the capacity to learn and grow in that zone.
One very important test when thinking about screen time is not just looking at it through the lens of quantity, but thinking about the quality of the activity. Is the activity adding value? Is it enabling learning and growth? Are they creating – if so great! Or consuming – if so – not so great.
Being creative and connecting in meaningful ways in the online space provides positives for mental health. Being a passive consumer – not so much. The emptiness of it, the lack of mastery or satisfaction, invites negative self-comparison with yourself, and the highlight reel of other people’s lives online.
Our brains are adaptive, they wire to patterns of what feels good, safe, and what is familiar. So here are two cut-out-and-keep guides to assessing what’s going on in holiday time when routines and boundaries flex…and sometimes can bend out of shape…and also some ideas for what you can do about it.
10 questions to consider about routines, and screentime during the holidays…
- Beyond the general wallpaper of parental guilt – what is it that’s actually bothering you about the screen-time equation at home?
- What are the kids actually doing? If you get more granular about their games and online activities, what value are the actually adding? Are there any skills and values baked in to the activities? What are they? Do you really understand this? Or are you setting yourself for conflict loops by having generalised criticism to which the only answer is going to tend to be defensiveness.
- Are they creating? Or consuming? Encourage the former, limit the latter.
- What is the quality of the connections generated by online activities? Collaborative? Individualised? Developed? Or is it KFC connection – mass-produced functional responses. Likes, emojis, shared, public? If they are collaborating via gaming – what’s the tone and quality of the discourse? In competitive online games, there can be some harsh trash-talking? You might hear some pretty spicy language or insults that really go against your family values…If that’s going on, noticing it and working with that dynamic is important so that online relationships can be balanced, and the tone raised.
- What is the impact on your child when they come away from these online activities? Are they wired? Grouchy? Tetchy? Confrontational? Resentful at limits and requests to re-engage with home-life? Or are they energised, inspired, interested, appreciative? Able to share, enthused, ready to reconnect off-line? Are they headachy, thirsty, hungry, a spent force? Dizzy, disoriented, disconnected, zoned out?
- What’s the impact on relationships in the home? Is there a sense of deepening separation? Is the immersion into the screen part of a pattern of distancing behaviour? We often think of distancing and separation being inevitable -and even developmentally appropriate during the teenage process – but we should not collude with premature separation or confuse separation with viable independence. Our job as parents as our kids grow is to stay connected, whilst enabling calibrated developments in autonomy, agency, personal efficacy. True independence can only emerge out of dependency and via inter-dependence which is the hallmark of healthy, secure relationship through the lengthy adolescent period of 11-25.
- Are screen-permissions, negotiations and boundaries a big feature of your relationship? To what extent is it a repeated theme? A preoccupation? A power struggle? What is it you are noticing – and how do you feel when the topic comes up? Do you notice a sense of disappointment, dread? Do you feel like it immediately puts you on edge? Does your heartrate increase? What sort of activation do you notice within you when you’re engaging with your child over screen time?
- Where are these activities taking place? Is that contributing to the separation?
- What is being crowded out by the digital interactions your child is having? Return to the Healthy Mind Platter, think about the keynote values you have as a parent, all the things you want them to develop as they emerge into young adulthood…how far is the life they are living at home paving the way for that? To what extent is the lifestyle element proactive, intentional?
- Who’s the boss? To what extent do you feel in control over what’s going on? Do you feel like you are able to securely feel like a leader in family life over this dynamic?
10 answers for changing screen dynamics at home in healing, attachment-oriented ways.
- When on holiday with the kids, and at weekends, spend time with them online. Come alongside and see what they are doing – seek to learn, and see what they see, and be able to talk in a non-judgmental, appreciative way with them about it. You possibly spend more time taking the kids to dance, football, orchestra, drama club, and watching their performances than ever seeing what they are doing close-up. It may surprise you…you might find out some interesting strengths and skills. It might change the conversation from a one-dimensional ‘get off the screen’, ‘screens are bad’…to something more connected, nuanced and…effective. Bite the bullet – play them at their own game. Learn about it, see their mastery of it. Find games you can play together. Kids from a young age – 8 and earlier – spend 2+ hours on screen. In the teenage years it goes up a great deal. The screen world is an important part of their lives and will continue to be. We need to be in it alongside them in it.
- Change the narrative. Step out of ‘you’ speak – where ‘you’ – or the kid –or their beloved screen – is the problem. ‘You’re on that damn screen again!’, ‘You spend too much time on X,Y Z…’. Being accusatory or critical is fraught with holes -especially if we ourselves as parents are also guilty of screen distraction, screen addiction. It can also be contradictory – and they do see us when we’re on thin reasoning ice… ‘Get off the sofa! You’ve been sitting on your screen for too long…why not go read a book instead!’ is a mixed message…Instead own your observations, feelings and preferences. Aim for collaborative rather than combative conversations. Manage your own triggers and reactivity in order to do this.
- Create a set of family values, that you can stand shoulder to shoulder on with fellow caregivers. And can share with the kids. Be clear what you stand for. Where your red lines are and be 100% consistent with those. One value I found especially good comes from Brendan Mahan, an ADHD specialist and father – he operates by the notion that ‘People of worth create more than they consume.’
- Define good screen use, and screen use that you’re going to choose to limit – and be super-clear on why. Emphasise the notion of spending quality time creating and connecting. Whether online or not.
- Create a menu – for the fridge door or on a family noticeboard in the kitchen or wherever is a good home-hub…So that when you day get off the screen, there are alternative suggestions that are go-to resources for you and for the kids. Create it together… Creative activities, Connecting activities, Reading ideas, Favoured games, Places to go, Things to do, Friends to meet, Projects to do, Things to practice, Jobs to earn money / make a contribution, Movement activities / exercise, Non-screen play ideas, Meals I can cook…Get headings for different types of activity and under each heading, put in a range of options. If you feel screens are too much of a go-to, and actually need to come later as an ‘earned’ privilege, then create a simple rule…Three before me…for instance. So each day there’s structure, variety, and the screen time is held in balance.
- Have conversations about self-management, self awareness, what they think and feel in response to activities. Take an interest in their inner life and their reactions to their experiences. Their passions, and their responses to life’s pitfalls.
- If your relationship has become distant and conflictual, plan ways of building trust and connection with your child or teen. Opportunities to hang out, listen without judgment, drop your agenda. Work on creating the safety for them to talk to you more openly, less functionally. Listening to learn opens up possibilities and creates safety and connection. Kids and teens won’t talk and won’t open up if they feel put down, judged, shut down, lectured, controlled.
- Lead by example – you can’t boss this. Put your own screen aside, and create some cherished golden time with the family where you are really present with them. Find ways to catch them doing well, and articulate your noticing and appreciation of it. All kids and teens and all people in general, want to be noticed, recognised and feel they belong and are of value within their tribe. Invest in your relationship with your children – it will pay you back. It’s the greatest traction you have in terms of being able to influence your children in positive ways.
- De-escalate your language, work on your own triggers and activation points. Is your child / teen’s behaviour bringing something up for you that is destabilizing? Don’t add drama. Have an intentional, planned, proactive approach and if you parent in partnership, have protocols for passing the baton, and supporting each other in ways that will help consistency and predictability around routines and boundaries. Especially be careful to avoid one parent being an appeaser and the other as law-maker. That’s never going to be sustainable – or in the best interests of the child or your relationship.
- Don’t collude in rejecting or distancing behaviour. If your kid is giving you a hard time and speaks to you in a poisonous way, it can be tempting to fight fire with fire, or ‘give them a taste of their own medicine’ or go into retreat. Families can and do fall into the position of whiteknuckling through a problematic adolescence by keeping a fragile agreement whereby the teen separates off and sighs of relief are breathed. Better onscreen or off elsewhere than causing conflict and chaos at home…But capitulating to the demand can only bring surface calm. Change the goal from control to connection. Trust your instincts, if there’s something not right. Work on understanding the internal working model beneath the behaviours. Dig deeper with curiosity, compassion and resilience. What’s going on with them – what are they thinking and feeling? What might your child’s defenses be to cope with the emotional challenges in their life…? Make sure you lean on what support is available to you internally within your family, and seek support from friends, your more extended community support. And consider getting some professional help and support.
