Supporting our children and teens when size comes to matter…
How did you experience size issues in your formative years? And how do you see this coming up in the lives of your children and teens…?
From the moment a child enters into a group setting, whether it’s being further down the birth order – and being the baby or the ‘little one’…comparisons get made…Most of it is often playful, and affectionate.
Over the years, we’ve had various potted family stories of who’s who – just like Goldilocks and the Three Bears – except for the last couple of years after yet another adolescent growth surge, I am now most definitely the ‘littlest one’ in our household.
But what about those times when playful becomes pervasive? What’s it like to be the littlest one in the nursery group? In Reception and as you work through your foundational school years? Or when you’re 11 and perhaps yet to hit puberty and you’ve started secondary school?
Having grazed largely on a diet of crispy pancakes in the 1980s, and having inherited a short stature from generations going back on both sides of my family tree, I was always going to have to learn sufficient needlecraft to alter clothes, lift hems, and shorten sleeves and legs of trousers.
I remember, however, being eternally grateful when starting my grammar school aged 11 for Samantha Earley (not her real name). For some reason, any drama lesson, workshop or ‘fun’ team-building activity would always have as a feature ‘getting into size order’…Make’em run around, sort themselves out, let off some physical steam…The outliers, the shortest and tallest girls would wearily know their place and fall in line.
That extra inch that prevented me from being the smallest in the year was precious. I was not quite the ‘baby’ of the school or the year. I was not quite so patronised by my name constantly being prefaced by an Awww…Or being picked up and carried – although from time to time some exuberant taller peer would still give me a lift up, just for Samantha, it was on a daily basis – at least.
No one ever wondered if she minded – they certainly didn’t ask. And she’d obviously learned well that resistance was futile and likely only lead to an escalation…She was celebrated in many ways – cheered as she crossed the finish-line in sports day – or the humiliation of Cross Country. But there were darker sides also. Puberty and anxiety about sex and sexuality were also projected onto ‘little Samantha Earley’.
People would read the sex scenes from any of the hot, steamy potboiler novels that were shared among us. We would take it in turns to forget games kit, Domestic Science equipment, and be left to devour the very dog-eared Jilly Coopers and Jackie Collins.
A favourite trick of the popular girls would be to read the raunchiest bits aloud at breaktime or as we gathered for registration – and substitute the names of the protagonists for Samantha Earley. The name just tripped of the tongue and we all gasped with laughter at the shock of the transgression, and the apparent preposterousness of the substitution whilst Samantha sat still, poker-faced.
How does this resonate with your experiences of school life and group-life as a child or teen? How does it resonate with your child’s experiences? What would you want for and from the different people involved?
Size matters – in group life as a child grows…
Latterly, in my postgrad studies, doing infant and young child observations in different settings, I have often noticed how size can resonate in play. Who gets to be who in role play games, who gets picked up, who gets picked for what.
Is it more socially comfortable to be a small girl than a small boy? Many boys who are smaller than their peers in the early years of nursery and school can be very determined about their physical prowess, their strength, speed, and daring. Certainly, I do get approached more often by parents worried about height and size of smaller boys than for girls.
There is mythology and prejudice around taller men being more successful…and injustice too. I have worked with a number of boys over the years who have been outstanding in sport – fast, agile, technically superior – but have been dropped from squads in favour for boys who have hit puberty earlier, bulked out quicker. For them size matters and for some means an early and brutal confirmation of life’s unfairness.
One may dismiss being dropped from a trophy squad as an everyday disappointment – but for those in mid to late teens it can be really disruptive to their sense of identity and consequence among their peers. Having worked so hard to attain and retain their place and find belonging in a team… The confirmation bias can be agile in finding and iterating instances where teens feel overlooked, diminished, and small. It’s easy to imagine how narratives of unfairness, resentment, inadequacy can evolve, and embed in a young person’s self-concept.
Of course, being tall is not always a bed of roses either…at the other extreme taller children often get mistaken for being older than they are, and therefore can be developmentally, behaviourally, or emotionally set up to fall short of expectations. For instance being asked to play in more advanced squads, and interact with older players at ages where a year’s difference can be really sharply felt – eg in the early or mid-teens.
Think about how the tall angular boy or girl at 8 or 9 years old who happens to look 12 or 13. They may still want and need to regress for soothing and comfort. Sucking a thumb or coming in for cuddles…But often the mismatch of their stature and their emotional development can mean a denial or discomfort around those needs. When a smaller child of the same age would have ready permission to be vulnerable and small. Navigating that path emotionally of little-me and big-me is hard enough without some of the visual prejudices, expectations and requirements for apparent composure that can come into play.
Being mistaken as being older than you are as a boy can also mean brushes with violence. And size can play a part in being targeted for assault as well as lots of other social dominance behaviours. Although this tends to be more anecdotal and cultural than research-based – it’s frequently represented in films and TV shows about growing up.
We all go around projecting insecurity, fear, and threat on each other – and those who are outliers in terms of size – whether small or large – will attract perhaps more attention and more projection… The Youth Endowment Fund’s 2024 research on ‘How Boys and Girls Experience Violence’ notes quite a few differences in vulnerabilities in the experience of violence for teenage boys and girls. https://youthendowmentfund.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/CVV24_R3_Gender.pdf
Size matters in puberty…
Size matters also in terms of the onset of puberty. This is reflected in numerous international studies. Especially and more consistently for girls where BMI and obesity are consistently found to indicate an earlier onset. For boys the picture is less clear.
Certainly the average age of puberty for girls is lower than for boys – so they hit all the body-brain changes with less life experience behind them – and typically earlier than previous generations. Current government predictions cited in the current Period Product Scheme that seeks to ensure that girls don’t miss out on their education are that 5% of 9-year-olds are menstruating,10% of 10-year-olds are menstruating and 20% of 11-year-olds are menstruating.
It can be really hard to be in Year 4 or 5 and have such a spectrum of size, shape, and readiness to engage with the physical changes that lie ahead. For those who are still very small, puberty and adolescence may be something that is difficult to engage with emotionally.
Here’s a link to an online talk I did for the GDST in 2021 about supporting girls through puberty:
For peers who are actually in the thick of those body changes it can be extremely confusing and distressing. There can be big gaps in development that are deeply felt around Year 5 and 6 (8-10 years old) for girls, and around Year 7, 8, and 9 (11-14) for boys when the growth spurt of puberty can make such visible differences.
It’s important to note that whilst the period of puberty is relatively short – between 2 and 5 years (tending to be a longer period for boys) – the process of adolescence – which is the psychological adjustment to maturity – takes a lot longer…15 years – from 11 to 26. Therefore a lot of support, guidance and reassurance is needed!
For girls puberty happens between 8 and 13,and starting puberty averages at age 11. For boys it is between 9 and 14, averaging at 12. According to the NHS… https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty/#:~:text=girls%20have%20signs%20of%20puberty,this%20happens%20to%20your%20child.
As an educator who has been responsible for welfare, safeguarding and wellbeing for many, many years in the past, it’s an uncomfortable truth that tall girls who are often mistaken for being older than they are, and girls who hit puberty early, can be confronted with a spectrum of sexual harassment which can be extremely shocking and hard for a child to process.
As numerous reports have made clear, experiences of sexual harassment online and on public transport, in the street, are normalised as part of life for teenage girls. (Children’s Commissioner report ‘Things I wish My Parents Had Known’ 2021).
Despite all the discussion and dialogue on violence against women and girls in the UK since the #Me Too movement in the UK in 2021, recent research shows no real change for tweens and teens. Girl Guiding research from October 2025 paints a very uncomfortable picture – that two thirds of girls change their everyday behaviour to avoid sexual harassment. Here are the headlines:
- New research from Girlguiding reveals how the persistent threat of sexism, misogyny and harassment is impacting girls’ everyday lives and affecting their confidence, mental health and wellbeing.
- New Girlguiding research reveals 1 in 10 (10%) girls aged 11-16 have missed school to avoid sexual harassment and 86% of girls aged 11-21 have avoided going out when dark to keep themselves safe
- Over half (56%) of girls and young women aged 11-21 say they don’t feel safe on public transport on their own
The link for the full report is here:
Size matters in the media
For both girls and boys, there is such a sharp focus on body image, and appearances. There always has been – but the pervasive influence of the online world, through gaming, social media, mean that unrealistic and commercialised beauty standards and ideals can have an unfettered influence on the emerging sense of self in comparison to others.
It’s why it is so important that parents are able to be a presence and to check in with what children are taking in online. The handheld device, the individualised approach to entertainment made possible by technology means that shared experiences where we are able to see what their see and check in with them about the messages they are receiving about their body shape and size is vital.
Conversations that can help young people think critically about what they encounter in the media, and put into balance fantasy and reality are vital. When these happen little and often, they can really strengthen resilience and the ability for the young person to see themselves in a more rounded way.
Remember, that though there is a drip, drip, drip reinforcement of commercialised imagery and pressure to conform to fashion – parents are also in a very privileged position. Over the course of our children’s lives as they reach maturity proper, we have the scope to have thousands of conversations, and opportunities to check-in and co-regulate -and we shouldn’t underestimate the influence of that either.
Size matters – What parents can do to help…
- Be gentle, open, and curious about how they perceive themselves as they walk the tightrope of ‘big-me – little-me’ dynamics of growth from pre-school onwards.
- Lean in and listen to how they compare themselves to others physically and in terms of their self-concept and self-confidence.
- Help them see their own strengths – and cherish difference. To see that they have their own unique strengths and things to offer the world in complement to others.
- Ensure they are well informed about their body – how to care for it, how to celebrate it for all the things it can do.
- Be open, factual, and age-appropriate in answering questions from young children about bodies, body parts, the differences they will observe between adult bodies, children’s bodies, different bodies. Children are observant social scientists trying to figure out the world and who they are. Be their trusted, first port-of-call.
- Stay calm and reassure – don’t fixate on the issue – widen their perspective. Don’t compound them freaking out by you freaking out. If there’s something really bothering them persistently, use the rule of too (Michelle Borba)…Is it making them feel and act too different from normal, too intensely, and for too long (2 weeks as a good yardstick).
- Don’t let adult preoccupations with diet and body-change / body management be a feature in your family life. Don’t normalise lifestyle and nutritional approaches that are not appropriate for children’s bodies – which have different needs. Don’t share anxiety or rigidity about ‘forbidden’ food groups or body fat.
- Be careful about how they may be receiving messages about there being something ‘wrong’ with them. Make sure you filter any enquiries you might be making and are not rushing to medicalise the situation unless there are clear indicators that it might be necessary (eg precocious puberty). There will be defining moments in a young person’s life where they will see themselves in different ways that may be helpful, and also not. These narratives need to be balanced and held in proportion. Speaking about a young person’s body with other friends or family within earshot, and doing so frequently over time, can also have a problematic influence on how they see themselves and compound some of the attention they get from peers.
- A potential red flag to be aware of where size is concerned is when a child or teen stops growing. Children should grow. If they have had a normal pattern of growth so far but then their growth suddenly stops, it might be something to check our with your GP to test whether there is an underlying medical condition that needs addressing sooner rather than later. Adulthood is reached when the long bones stop growing – which is usually in the mid 20s along with the completion of adolescent brain development. Precocious puberty can also be a sign that something may be amiss – especially in boys. For girls in the UK precocious puberty would be happening before 8, and in boys before 9 – according to the advice on the NHS website. Delayed puberty in boys would be if there is no sign of testicular development by 14. For girls delayed puberty is medically defined as not having started to develop breasts by 13 , or they have developed breasts but their periods have not started by 15.
- Where size and self image is concerned – it is important that fat has importance as a food group – and that our brains need fat to function well -and for girls oestrogen production is linked to healthy stores of fat in the body. Oestrogen production is not only linked to puberty and menstruation, but also supports healthy cognition. So when young people pick up messages around fat being a foe, rather than a friend, they need to have a more informed and nuanced view. Many schools I work with notice that conversations about fat and skinniness are emerging in Year 4. These preoccupations with size, shape, and fat are emerging in children’s social groups earlier.
- Teach about and model bodily autonomy and consent from a really early age– that they (and others) should always check in that physical contact is OK. And model that it’s OK to say no. Teach them which parts of their body are private, and who is allowed to see / examine those parts of their body and under what circumstances.
- Help them learn to take and make a joke (Dr Brooks Gibbs) , and lower the offence so that they can reduce the reward of other children trying to provoke them… ‘You’re so tall/ small!!!’ ‘Oh really – thanks for noticing’… No drama, no reward… See his resilience training in action in this Instagram reel:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DE-M14uOl2_
- Teach them about what’s in their power- and seek to enhance their locus of control. Part of this is about accepting the reality that they can’t change other people. And there may be some things they can’t change about themselves – what height they are, what colour skin etc…They are not responsible for the crass and offensive interactions that may come their way. They can’t control that. What they can control is the way they show up, and the way they handle boundaries and the extent to which they have choice about how they will take in what other people may say. Help them decide on and design their emotional ‘body-armour’. If your kid is older, and you’re comfortable with more edgy language, you can call it a ‘shit-shield’….They can see and hear things from other people and allow their critical comments to land – or not. ‘But We’re Not Lions!’ by Karen Young is a great book for young children about boundaries, self-esteem and self-acceptance.
- Related to this – create a thinking filter together with your child or encourage your teen to develop their own – it can have a visual element – like a sieve – or simple verbal triggers…Do I care? Yes / No….Or to have a care-o-meter…On a scale of 1-5 how much do I care…do I choose to care…
- Ensure they have the information about body changes of puberty before they need it. This is what equipping and empowering our children to be ready to face uncertainty and change means. We don’t want to leave that to peers, chance, or social media or internet searches. I recommend The Boy’s Guide to Growing Up by Phil Wilkinson, and the Girl’s Guide to Growing Up by Anita Naik. Other books to check out: All Bodies Are Wonderful: An Inclusive Guide for Talking About You (Science and Society) by Beth Cox
- Have good conversations to help your child or teen debrief what messages they are creating in their inner world about some of the size-related barriers they might come up against – eg too small to participate in an activity (eg at a funfair). Or too tall to fit certain clothes. Older teens may not want to be so open about vulnerability around barriers to access – but look out for certain frustrations – like not being able to fit adult shoe sizes.
- Teach them about how commercial images are manipulated. The Dove Self Esteem Project and Confident Me resources for educators has lots of interesting resources about self-esteem and the body, unpacking unrealistic ideals: https://www.dove.com/uk/dove-self-esteem-project/school-workshops-on-body-image-confident-me.html
https://www.dove.com/uk/dove-self-esteem-project.html
- Help them find uplifting role models. You can, of course, start to look out for books, films, and TV shows that will give them great perspectives on this…Judy Blume was all the rage when I was growing up, and revisiting them again in the 2020s with our teen really struck me with how relevant her writing still is…Are you There God, It’s me, Margaret – about the yearning for puberty…and Blubber…
- Novels for tall boys: Stand Tall by Joan Bauer (Story based in the US), Tall Story by Candy Gourlay, Willy the Wimp by Anthony Brown..
- Empowering books about body differences: The Girl of Ink & Stars by Kiran Millwood Hargrave, The Warrior’s Apprentice by Lois McMaster Bujold
- The school librarian can be a wonderful help with helping put you in touch with the right books at the right time for your child.
Celebrating, cherishing and championing yourself whatever your size
Above all…here’s the most creative and resourceful idea I have come across whilst researching for this article. It’s from a very good friend – Marissa Carrarini – who is a wonderful nutritional therapist… https://www.nutritionformentalhealth.co.uk/
Encourage your child or teen to create their own ‘Kylie Club’…
The Kylie Club concept…Kylie Minogue – obviously famous for being ‘Five foot and a whisper’…
Whether your child feels different because of their shape or size in whatever dimension, help them find and collate role models who can be in their team or club. They might be pocket superheroes – people they can hold in mind as reminders that it can be cool to not care about not being small/tall/ whatever their point of difference may be…
It could be a project that they have ownership of. For instance to create and collate a mood board around, have a central image of someone who they see whose physicality resonates with theirs and who is also a figure who represents something empowering and enabling. And then to add members of that club.
Even better, your child might even call it their own club – and then accumulate members. It can be something alive in their own mind – or something physical- visual. A collage, a mood-board that celebrates their type of person and reminds them that role models do indeed come in all shapes and sizes – including theirs.
I wonder what’s your experience of this as a person, as a parent? I hope that reading this article has pulled together a few things that you already knew and do well, but also given you some extra ideas and resources.
I ALWAYS love to hear from people who read these articles. Please get in touch if you have questions, or suggestions to add here. What have you / your kid found helpful when thinking about how ‘size matters’?
