Risk-taking and Resilience. Anti-fragile parenting in a world of mixed messages.
Take risks! But don’t slip up!
What sort of a risk-taker are you? Where in life are you more and less comfortable with taking risks? At work, in business…in play – are you a dare-devil? Where might you take risks at home – in your home life? With your approach as a parent? Is taking risks something that you avoid at all costs when it comes to your children? If so – that’s understandable in so many ways – but it also bears a risk in itself…
With risk, comes reward- as we know from the world of investment….and the value of what we share in terms of risk can have its ups and downs… There are few challenges we undertake in life as precious as that of being a parent and we are deeply, deeply invested in the health and well-being of our children. In many ways it is understandable that we are risk-averse.
As with many things in our lives – it’s about moderation. Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Too much risk-taking, and we risk minor celebrity and the ignominy of being the parents who got it wrong. There’s nothing we love more than shaming feckless parents…
Too little risk-taking, rigid risk-avoidance can lead to brittleness in our children as they grow – as well as brittleness in our relationship as our caution runs counter to their drive for independence and exploration and is experienced as control.
It is worth checking our relationship with risk to see if there are ways we may be playing small, holding our kids back, or unwittingly playing a role that fuels anxious activation, between us and them that may undermine their resilience. Anxiety can have a contagious effect if we don’t rein it in.
For instance, parents worried about trimming their waists, can encourage a focus on bodies as things to be shaped and sculpted – something that is absorbed meal by meal in day-to-day life easily amplified in messages coming from the media and online.
Conversations about nutrition, self-esteem and body image are on the agenda at earlier stages in primary and junior school settings. Next week I will be working with some 9-10 year-olds on this very topic. It is now not unusual for cohorts of children entering the 11+ phase of their education to have a small number of them in treatment for eating disorders.
Educators observe young children caught in dilemmas as to whether to honour their parents’ feelings about cakes or sweets, or their desire to bond in celebration with birthday treats at school. They overhear ‘fat-chat’ and are aware of the joy of childhood being encroached upon by self-comparison and low self-image.
From an early age, as parents, we often feel that the calmer and better behaved our kids are, the better we might feel and be perceived as parents. It can make us wary of rocking the boat. No one wants to be the parent of the melt-down-kid, the biter, or the hitter. We strive for harmony, and do as much as possible to pre-empt tantrums and minimise disorder. We feel the judgment of other parents and onlookers. Of our own family – our in-laws…
It can be toe-curlingly uncomfortable to find ourselves in the eye of our children’s storm. We can be and feel utterly helpless in our need for them to get back to calm and happy ASAP. However, life is not like that – especially where child-rearing is concerned. Both at the younger end with toddlers, and at the teen stage. There will be rage, doubt, despair, loss – as well as exhilaration, excitement, and joy. Whilst we desire the later, we can be very risk averse with encountering the former.
We can’t have access to the upper end of the felt register without also having the capacity to the lower end too. The fear of deep and uncomfortable feelings is something we have to register and learn to master. You don’t teach children how to swim without putting them in the water. Likewise, they don’t learn how to develop the musculature to cope with the heavy lifting of disappointment, sadness, shame, without feeling these feelings. Not when we pre-empt, or snow-plough those problems away.
Our job is to keep them safe and build their life-skills and coping-skills. Risk avoidance, and emotional perfectionism can get in the way. Our job isn’t to get them back to calm. It’s to stand alongside them in their struggles as they feel their feelings, and develop both the emotional agility and cognitive flexibility to experience them as signals – calls for action – rather than destinations.
This happens by the magic alchemy of us taking the risk of allowing them all their feelings – not fending them off or requiring their apparent mastery. By us being a source of support – where they can be seen, heard, and feel able to fall apart in the safety of our presence. As their care-giver who can allow their vulnerability, and their anger – and bring compassion, soothing, and space for them to be and grow.
It’s brave work. And can feel really risky. Especially if we are indeed worried about the intensity of their feelings. Or when their behaviour might put themselves or others at risk. There is understandably a desire to contain and control the situation. This, however, must never be at the expense of skill-building for the child who needs some extra time and care to learn how to self-regulate around conflict, difficult feelings.
Professionals at school can be a good source of help and advice – as well as your GP if your child has been stuck in a mood state that Michele Borba describes as the ‘Rule of Too’…too different, too intense, and for too long…(here she often will say around 2-3 weeks)…
There is a great emphasis on getting diagnoses. Of course. But progress is not all in the hands of experts, there is a great deal a parent can do if they are able to be on the front foot when it comes to making changes that will help build social and emotional skills and reduce distress.
The Greek origin of the word ‘therapy’ relates to service, attending, waiting on, and healing. It certainly was not an exclusive reference to medical intervention as it is now. This was alluded to by the inspirational Head of the Maudsley Hospital School at a wellbeing and safeguarding conference in 2017. We are often afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and shy away from the distress of those we love when our calm and grounded presence, our steadfastness, our care, our witnessing and our love is most needed.
I was recently speaking at and facilitating a discussion on risk-taking and anxiety with Directors of Sixth Forms from different schools around the country. They were describing their observations of young people at this 16-18 phase becoming more risk averse at a time when the world of choice and agency and independence was opening up to them.
They spoke of those who would merely turn up and do the bare minimum required of them. Or those who were doing their work, and doing it well – but unwilling to put themselves forward to contribute to the community, or volunteer for leadership positions or responsibility. These school leaders were equally concerned about a lack of proactive, independent drive or self-driven intellectual curiosity. And also a social unwillingness to branch out, make connections with others outside of their pre-existing social spheres.
Memorably a distinction was made between students who were ‘backpackers’ – resourceful, adventurous, trying new things…and those who were ‘tourists’ – less involved in their learning journey, not making sustained contributions, extracting what they needed and leaving…
It’s an interesting and important enquiry. What makes some people dare to embrace change, and others stay more rigidly within certain self-imposed boundaries? What makes some people back-packers in their approach to life, and others tourists, favouring the smoother path…somewhat entitled…
As parents, how might we inadvertently prevent our children from being able to be resilient and ready-for-anything backpackers, by seeking to smooth their way with wheeled suitcases on the level, and getting over involved in carrying their load for them whenever there are bumps and steps in the way? As teachers, how sometimes, might we and our colleagues collude in saving, pre-empting and fixing problems caused by students who are passengers, tourists who thus escape real accountability for work that isn’t ready on time, or being able to contribute because they haven’t done the preparation…
How can we make them want what we want – to do the work, to engage with their responsibilities? To live their lives fully? We can’t – and we won’t if we always save them from the consequences of the choices they make. They have to feel the lack in order to develop the impetus to do something about it. Sometimes as individual parents, as teachers, as schools, as the adults in the room, we have to question ourselves about whether we are being discerning and taking the risk of stepping back in order for them to step up. Or whether we are concierging consequences and life-lessons away from them…
When we think about competitive academic environments, what might it mean for some to put their heads above the parapets and stand out? And perhaps in a world where often people can feel never enough, might staying in your lane and aiming for satisfaction, rather than aiming for the stars might not that also be a radical stand to take?
At this age of mid adolescence, 16-18, there’s a lot going on. Under the radar of what teachers and tutors see at school in the performative space of the classroom, or out there in school life, there’s a dawning era that as parents and teachers we sometimes keep our heads in the sand about.
Those questions about ‘Who am I’ become quite pressing and more existentially relevant when it’s not long before you’re looking at leaving and applying for degrees or apprenticeships. Having real choice. Real agency.
Narrowing down your field of studies and writing a personal statement where you both need to back yourself, and back a high-stakes path you’re choosing – can feel incredibly exposing for some.
Risks of other types – non-academic, non-CV -building are also on the agenda. Staying out later, experimenting with the party scene… Risk-taking in the relational world – romances, sexuality…
For others, the risk of failure or being judged lacking comes to the fore. Perfectionism is on the rise – no time for parties, or taking social or romantic risks when every percent counts and there’s always so much more that needs to be exactly right before it’s finished. Sounds good doesn’t it? But not when it’s the law of diminishing returns – balance, wellbeing, and family life suffers.
Psychologists calculate that perfectionism may yield perhaps a 3% advantage academically, whilst in the work place, the trait of perfectionism is actively detrimental and has no benefit at all. And yet it is the most socially acceptable form of avoidance. Parents and teachers tend to give it recognition and reward, rather than the challenge it needs.
Quality of work, and quality of thinking dip because of insufficient rest. Perfectionist exam candidates are hampered by the pressure of detail, and the fear of letting go and triaging what needs to be said. Not only that, they are often unable to deliver on the longer questions that bring the differentiation for the very top grades because they are not as able to think very adaptively and make links or evaluate more creatively and confidently…
They are more likely to be broadsided by the unexpected approach which is designed to take people off-guard and make them think. It’s seen time and again in interviews where students who may be outstanding on paper, may not succeed in their application for elite programmes.
What do we see in school life – in terms of what holds young people back when it comes to taking risks?
- Perception management – a reluctance to participate actively in discussion or asking questions for fear of seeming ‘stupid’ or wrong…
- Playing safe – work lacking creativity, and independence.
- Children not backing themselves- not trying out for things that they enjoy for fear of being rejected…eg not going for bigger parts in a school show…not auditioning for a solo or trying out for a team. Or not trying hard or putting themselves out there because of the risk of disappointment.
- Perfectionism – holding on to a task for too long, spending too long checking, refining, researching, planning, adding to it – adding minimal value whilst exerting an increasing cost in terms of rest and restorative activities, not least connection with peers and family.
- A mindset funnelling towards the negative, the deficits in their skills. In the words of Henry Ford ‘Whether you think you can, or you can’t – either way you’re right’
- Putting up with negative group or peer dynamics for too long– not speaking up for themselves or for their values – compromising authenticity, and people pleasing to keep the peace. Avoidant of vulnerable or difficult conversations – meaning they suffer because they aren’t speaking to their needs. Relationships suffer because people are not mind-readers…
- Missing opportunities to widen their experience and social circle.
- Difficulty making choices for fear of making the wrong decision.
- Closed minded about things that are unfamiliar – or creating a faux-familiarity – seen it all on YouTube so not really worth my while having a go…A rigidity in the mind-set that forecloses opportunity and new experience.
“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” Eleanor Roosevelt.
For parents, risk-taking may have very different dimensions – it may result in controlling patterns of behaviour. Power struggles and conflict-loops may emerge from that. It may be either avoidance of or tiptoeing around the painful material in the inner-lives of our children.
It can feel risky and even frightening to embrace, acknowledge the fact that our children and teens may be going through a stage of feeling really down on themselves or really down on life. We don’t want to collude with that…so maybe we don’t engage with it…
It can feel risky for parents to say no to their kids. To be the ‘bad’ parent, out of step. To risk rejection by our teenager. To take a stand that means our child might suffer feelings of exclusion and being excluded – and therefore capitulating to screen-time extensions and social media apps we’re less than keen on. Quite frequently as Deputy Head, I’d be asked to mediate a no on a parent’s behalf…to stop something happening or to enforce the removal of a piercing…
Maybe we had parents who were negligent, and uninvolved, and our parenting is driven by a reaction to that – trying to undo the past or prevent our children suffering as we might have done… Or vice versa.
So one challenge for us as parents, is to consider our own relationship with risk and how we approach risk in family life, and in the relationship with our children and teens. If you want your child to step up…what’s actually required is for us to step back and not rescue or manage around their passivity or resistance. That is risky – but it’s how they can start to become increasingly responsible as they emerge out of infancy, into childhood and through adolescence.
Not taking risks, it turns out, can be risky. What we model in this regard is vital – for the development of self-compassion and resilience. Quite often when I work with families where there is a lot of conflict over routines, boundaries, screen-time, it takes a great deal of work to move towards engaging in the risk of developing a more collaborative approach…and yet we all know that being consulted and part of finding solutions, makes engagement and investment in change stick better…
It is an interesting challenge, to reflect on the areas where we are more or less tolerant of risk…And what we want for our children as we look through to them making that transition to a more independent life away from home.
Despite me championing living boldly as parents and as people – there are certainly times when I have found myself put to the test…On a recent family holiday in Japan, we had planned to give our 15 year old daughter the chance to explore the shops by herself when we ended up in cities – Kumamoto, a small city in the South as a starting point and graduating to being able to navigate the vintage stores in a hip part of Tokyo.
We’d got the technology that meant communication should be OK and we’d had her practicing smart-phone-free-steering – where she took the lead in navigating our way back from places by noticing landmarks and remembering routes…so that she wouldn’t be that teen looking like a fish in a barrel for being lost in her phone and easy-pickings for a thieves…So far, so good.
However, when it came to the time of parting for the best part of a day at the end of the holiday, my racing mind took over and I was cramming last minute fear-talk-advice in…and giving her the option to not go…How to handle her money…etc etc…
Luckily I was the only one on the roller-coaster and I was told in no uncertain terms where to get off – both by my better half, and our daughter. And I was so glad I did. Fundamentally her confidence built from us being confident in her (even thought I had a wobble!). She had an amazing time, it ended up being her most memorable day of the trip. She met us at the appointed rendez-vous, on time, ten-feet-tall, laden with shopping bags, full of amazing, unique finds, and full of stories and pictures of the cool places she’d been to.
The other family risk taken was with her Year 10 exams…Which were rescheduled to be immediately after the Easter break – when we had had to rearrange our dream trip to Japan which had been cancelled last year due to an accident and an operation…
Of course, parents and kids had been counselled by the school to take the exams seriously, and revise in the holidays. After all – these were practice for GCSEs next year…And we decided to do none of that – beyond encouraging hard work during term time prior to the trip. There was no way we were diluting precious family time with elements of exam practice boot-camp.
It meant taking a risk with the academics, in the service of honouring our holiday. It placed the emphasis on strategy and technique. For our daughter to play to her strengths in an imperfect situation, and be discerning about what she could and couldn’t do well. To use the observations from that experience to prioritize revision and consolidation later in the programme after the exams were done.
She sat the tests with some trepidation, but with focus and impressive resilience. It was an experiential masterclass in proving the value of consistency over time, and facing up to tricky situations, gaps in knowledge or understanding, and doing your best. The outcome was neither fairytale nor disaster – but a clear and solid baseline from which to grow. In her mind now, the value of revision is absolutely clear.
She’s human, we’re all human, and doubtless there will be pain points as she makes that painful graduation from being a student to becoming an exam candidate next year. She knows that holidays are a sacred part of renewal as well as the importance of putting in the work. She knows also that she matters more than her achievements. She knows that things are going to work out OK, and that panic and catastrophisation are not her friends.
The fearful pressure to succeed, the terror of disappointment, and the temptation to capitulate in the face of challenge have shifted productively because a worst-case scenario of taking exams unprepared has been faced – and the path forward is now so clear.
As an academic, and as a parent, I am more than happy with the reward from that risk.
How does risk-taking show up in your family life – what do you model for your kids and teens?
What sort of risks – big, or small – have you taken recently?
How do you see your children engage with risk? Where might they be on the Goldilocks spectrum…too much, too little, or just right?
How might you see their relationship with risk -taking as a reaction to- or a rejection of – your approach?
How might you look at tendencies either towards patterns of compulsive risk-taking, or patterns of avoidance of risk in your kids and teens through the lens of curiosity…to paraphrase Marshall Rosenberg…is it a skill not yet learned? Or a need not yet met?
How does this resonate? How will you take the conversations forward in your life?
With love and gratitude
Emma.
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