Rest, recreation, restoration – taking stock – and accessing abundance

Vitality and leadership. Setting the tone inwardly to connect effectively.

The Autumn half term is a strange and funny beast. In terms of nature, seasonally, it’s a time where in agriculture, we reap what we sowed back in Spring, and what we grew over Summer.

In the educational world, we return after the Summer break, replete with sunshine and rest, to the brutality of the Autumn term – the frontloading of the academic work. Though technically the Autumn term is only a third of the year – it’s where at least half of the work gets done. We start the term replete. By half term, we can be pretty depleted!

Last week, I had the chance to deliver a keynote speech about ‘Leading well from the inside-out’ at a conference of Head Teachers of Church of England Schools in Southwark. It was so interesting to be part of a discussion about some of the strains schools are currently facing.

If it’s not enough that it feels we are living in a world of escalating conflict, an ongoing crisis in terms of mental health, and economic hardship. Other very real and pressing issues are affecting our schools very directly. The changes to demographics and the reality of falling numbers leading to school closures are really hitting home. And even in the relatively well-resourced independent school sector, there are worries for what the future will bring now that VAT exemption is no more.

These uncertainties, and questions about future viability affect everyone in our schools. Leaders, teachers, parents and pupils. These added stressors, make us cautious about what we are able to say yes to, and force the focus onto managing difficulty, minimizing risk.

There’s nothing like a scarcity mindset -or being in survival mode, to activate us in ways that can be initially helpful – but need to be brought into balance.

When we work with kids, as we do in school life, everything is urgent. Every child matters. Every day in school matters. Every lesson attended matters. We come across a good idea, that will meet the needs of our learners better, and of course it should be implemented yesterday. We live by the bell, and we are people in a hurry.

It’s so important, though, to tune into and value the points of safety, and abundance. It’s a fact of life that we’ll never reach the bottom of that pile of marking, and no sooner than the metaphorical ink dries on one set of reports, another assessment, recording and reporting deadline hoves into view.

It’s easy to feel craven, rushy, pacy, and to fall into the habit of pushing ourselves like machines – only either to collapse in illness or to become somewhat depersonalised in our dealings with others – brisk and effective – which is OK…but once we become less personal / impersonal…we become far less approachable. And the interpersonal rule of our mirror neurons and sociability kicks in – when we give off approachability, we are met with approaches, kindness, connection, bandwidth. When we don’t…we don’t.

The comparisons exist…and are well known imperatives of the professional altruist…We need to top up our cups! We need to apply our oxygen masks first! And the self-care tips and tricks tumble forth. But we tend to wait till the holidays to tick off our own wellbeing…

As I write, I can see the pilgrimage of my wildlife foes (not the slugs this time) – the local squirrels are wending the way to my neighbour’s immense walnut tree, and digging little caches of nuts all over my garden. They are stocking up on the good stuff. They are enriching and fattening themselves to get through the dark days ahead…

Some things to think about… As the leaves fall from the trees, and the nights get darker as we prepare for winter…think of ways we can put ourselves into abundance.

1. Consider – when you are really activated by stress and up on your toes running against time…how do you feel about yourself? About your capabilities? About other people – pupils, colleagues, parents? How do you feel about the world? Notice – what are you like when you are in this mode. How does it affect your behaviour and relationships? Where do you notice mistakes and misattunements happening – eg ever misread an email and taken umbrage at the tone when under pressure?
3. Consider – when you are feeling steady, well rested, relaxed and in balance…How does it feel? How do you feel in your body? How does that affect how you feel about yourself? About your capabilities? About other people? About your work? About the world at large? What are you like when you are in this mode of being? How does it affect your behaviour and your ability to listen to and show up for other people? How does it feel when you have the capacity to be open, curious, and generous to other people?
4. To what extent do you live in the first mode of busy, less patient activation, and to what extent do you value, recognise, and actively nurture the second mode – where we are -as Dr Steven Porges would describe as being ‘Safe and Social’ – or in ‘Rest and Digest’?
6. How do you compare your impact when you are in these different modes. What sort of impact would you like to have more of? What sort of impact would you like to have less of?

One source of inspiration for thinking about this topic of stocking up in our inner lives so that we can lead well in our lives – especially important for us as teachers where the power of our presence touches so many young lives and other people involved in the care of young lives…is the work of Dr Jeremy Hunter, a tutor in the Inner MBA, and Founder of the Executive Mind Leadership Institute, often interviewed for Sounds True as one of the Inner MBA Faculty members: https://innermba.soundstrue.com/faculty/

Dr Hunter speaks so eloquently about our capacity to vitalize others when we nurture our own vitality. That this is a really important and rigorous discipline. And unpacking what this means involves recognizing the signs and symptoms that our negativity bias and its evil twin the confirmation bias is making us speed up and chase ourselves (and potentially other people) down the drain…

The trickle down effect of being able to access a more rested, grounded self, is incredibly powerful. And in a world where the feeling of being ‘not enough’ is not only prevalent, but a commercial imperative that is the driver of so much suffering…it would be a wonderful thing to be able to experience authentically, and channel to others – especially vulnerable people who are making their way in this world.

When we struggle, when we look at the pathways that help people grow into themselves and into ways of thriving, it’s through acknowledging, appreciating and building on strengths, not weaknesses. Activated people activate others with their stressful urgency – I love Dr Jeremy Hunter’s phrase, that ‘vital people vitalise’. I very much know what I seek to bring in my leadership.

Pathways for nurturing and valuing our openness, curiosity, and widening our ‘window of tolerance’ (Dr Dan Siegel, The Mindsight Institute):

1. 1. Deliberately focusing our attention on what is going well in our work, in our school, in our lives.
2. Intentionally noticing – things of beauty, things that uplift us in our environment as we walk through life…the crisp colourful leaves, rather than the litter. Lifting your eyes from the tarmac or the screen…inhabiting your sensory world. Notice…the sound of trickling, tinkling pattering water when it’s raining. The luminescence of raindrops, the colour of the sky. The oil in the puddles. See these things. Get good at noticing them and internally marking their beauty. And as you appreciate these things, also appreciate this capacity in yourself. Tell yourself that it is good that you are the sort of person who notices these things. ‘I love that I am able to see these things…’. You can speak to this aloud with family, and friends on walks. Teach your children or the children in your life to do the same, to see the world through soft and kind eyes, and see themselves in the same way.
3. 2. Intentionally notice and appreciate the strengths, the warmth, the helpful or efficient approach of other people that we meet and share that appreciation. Spend a beat or two warmly marking their positive impact. From the heart and with a smile. Eyeball to eyeball. You see them. You feel the benefit of what they’ve done. And you’ll share that you have. Create an uptick of positivity. It’s just an extra phrase or maybe two of active and constructive feedback. Get good at doing that – in the home, out and about, with people serving you a coffee, neighbours sweeping their path or tidying their hedges…friends.
4. When you are attending meetings of any description, prepare some thoughts that mark out gratitude for some of the good and goodwill that exists between you – no matter how difficult the other territory that might need to be covered.

1. 3. Noticing what’s in the flow of your stream of consciousness. Where do our thoughts tend to go to…Pain is inevitable. Suffering is more optional. I am paraphrasing Dr Rick Hanson’s take on Buddhist teachings and our propensity to add secondary and tertiary darts of suffering in our inner narrative in his book Neurodharma – 7 steps to the highest happiness…Again, it’s about noticing. Noticing when we are adding to our burdens by a harsh inner narrative, a harsh inner critique that might be self-critical – or perhaps unduly cynical about other people’s motivations and operations (aka mind-reading in persecutory mode)…Noticing when we are telling our selves stories of our own deficits, and going deeper and darker down that inner worm-hole…Eg for once you had a proper lunch (not al-desko) but you rushed it and you have indigestion…You tell yourself off for bringing the discomfort on yourself, it’s your fault for being tired, distracted, under pressure, behind… and if only there hadn’t been those disruptions to your plans or if there wasn’t constant innovations being imposed, life would be less stressful…yes I’m so stressed, this job is so stressful. I’m probably getting a stomach ulcer – that’s probably why I feel so bad…and now we’re off to the races with self-diagnosis, and worry about being worried. Checking in with our inner monologue and challenging it – is it true, kind, helpful? (Meltzer, or Byron Katie’s The Work)…Repeating to yourself some of the phrases you’re using inwardly and just checking whether they stand the test of those filters or could use a more compassionate edit…
2. 4. Think about how you can dialogue better with your body – to notice the signs of tension, muscular armoury that develops as we are inevitably hunched over our marking or database inputting. Ways in which we can tend to ourselves better – noticing the points of tension in our spine, in our necks, across our shoulders. The tension we store in our scalps, jaws, around our eyes. Or release the tension in our chests when we’ve been in more rapid, shallow, mouth-breathing mode. Noticing these things with compassion – instead of compounding with secondary narratives of how bad life is to make this so… ‘Wow, I’m really needing a stretch’ – and taking effective action which is possible from our chairs and in-harness at work. Taking a really deep belly breath and exhaling slowly and deeply, and feeling into that releasing sensation in our body. Stretch your back, carefully, extravagantly. Stretch your neck, tense and release your brow and jaw. Stretch and soften your eyes. And notice, appreciatively, how that nurturance of your body feels. That takes no more than a beat or two. And is quick and easy to repeat. It’s interesting. Because those acts of self-recognition, self-compassion, and self-care – when done intentionally – not only soothe and calm our nervous system – tacking us back into ‘rest and digest’ – they also strengthen connections in the pathways of our brains that are connected with positive self-image. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/a-deeper-wellness/202302/understanding-the-mental-health-and-self-care-connection

1. 5. In ways big and small upping your game with respect to self-care – especially focusing on nurturing your relationships. It actually has a physical impact in terms of your brain. In adults and adolescents, good self esteem actually can be seen in the physical architecture of the brain. When we look after ourselves actively, it has multiple benefits – including boosting our sense of self, who we are, and our capabilities. Since – throughout life – our brains are innately neuroplastic (shapable by experience and exercise) this means that we can actively wire in –and if necessary intentionally WIRE IN a better sense of self through responsively taking care to do things that are effective in down-regulating our nervous system and reach a more rested state… What it looks like: increased functional and structural connectivity between the striatum – the reward centre of the brain – and the ventral medial prefrontal cortex – which is where self-conception sits. By deliberately and mindfully exercising self-care strategies, we increase the connection between the part of our brain that processes reward and positive motivation and the part that processes our sense of self. The more connected these parts are, the denser the white matter – the more stable the sense of being ‘good enough’, the greater the sense of hope, self-worth, and positive motivation. The changes in self esteem can be tracked by neuroscientists to the changes in connectivity. See my article from 2021: https://mailchi.mp/b6fa5acb9a51/deliberate-self-care-and-the-science-behind-why-its-worth-it-10146000
2. 6. Remind yourself of your resources. As Fred Rogers once famously said, and has been oft repeated: ‘Look for the helpers’… remind yourself of the people in your life who are uplifting both for your morale, and also in an active practical way. When our attention funnels on the negatives, the deficits, we can both inwardly, and outwardly isolate ourselves, and miss opportunities to reach out for help. Leaders need to do this. Teachers and parents need to do this. Remind yourself, who else can help with this. The kids we teach have capabilities and resourcefulness. Our own children, if we have them in our lives, can often be more help than we credit them for. Are we stepping in to do more or could we step back and involve the kids in greater contributions to their learning eg in self or peer assessment where appropriate? Who in our departments our teams are also sources of help? Sometimes when we are in stressed, activated mode, we develop a bit of an armoured personality, and alongside of that, more reactive behaviours. Look for the helpers, and remind yourself that to ask is to be resourceful, not a marker of professional vulnerability!  IN fact to be vulnerable literally means being open to the world. It’s derived from the word for a wound which means being open to the world on a physical, bodily level…When we are closed off, we restrict our interactions with the world, and shuts down other people’s capacity to show care. To help can be uplifting and beneficial. To ask for help when we need it – or even a little before we are over the precipice of needing it in crisis mode – is a form of robust vulnerability. And when we are met, we feel met. Maybe if you’re stuck in a bind, other people could be happy to help. There’s a buoyancy to that interaction. The ability to make invitations to help, and receive invitations to help is a nourishing ethos for us as individuals and can be part of the glue that brings teams and community together…
3. 7. Sensory stimuli that usher in a sense of wonder, awe, peace – Music – designated tracks for inspiration. Soundscapes that take you to a happy place. Visual reminders, artwork, photographs. Scents that soothe and relax, and help you re-set eg lavender, lemon essential oils that help reduce cortisol. A therapy dog, or failing a live, tactile, calming presence, a jumper, cardigan or scarf you can hold or put on your knee. A plant or chosen vista for focusing on out of the window – an interesting tree, a patch of sky.
4. 8. A talismanic connection point – a piece of jewellery, a quotation / mantra, an image of a role model on your phone screensaver, or somewhere prominent like on your laptop or school diary.

I hope these meditations on coming into abundance and being able to harvest connection in ways that are replenishing and vitalising give some food for thought, and ideas for moving into action and practice over the half term.

Do contact me if you might be interested in a consultation, some 1:1 coaching, or if I might be of service with training and professional development work.

With gratitude for the important work you do, and the kind attention you bring to this and to all. Just include yourself in your circle of care!

Emma.