Summer’s here. Digital routines, digital hygiene starts at home…
Summer is a time when routines often relax – for our children at least – even if we’re still working. Released from the hard-core pressure to be suited and booted and in school on time, homework ebbs away, extra-curricular activities change…there’s more time. But here’s the thing…time for what?
Similarly, the end of the school year sometimes ushers in inheritance rights…eg new phones, pre-secondary school, or in anticipation of more independence and responsibility…eg our children starting to go to school by themselves.
Your kids may be well-established phone users, or rookies in the sand-tray of whatever algorithms their devices will push their way, or whatever new sensation online their friends have discovered…
This is also a time when we as parents may make and take opportunities to come alongside our children and teens in connection and curiosity to check in and set them up for success, as well as equip and empower them with the skills they need to manage the risks and reap the rewards of their lives (online).
This past year has seen many significant shifts in the way we are starting to view children’s lives online. In the wake of various books like Jonathan Haidt’s manifesto ‘The Anxious Generation’ and articles and reports written about the influence of social media on childhood and teendom, schools have become more emboldened to give parents a clearer steer on what they are seeing works well, and less well, when it comes to digital parenting.
We used to regard children’s online experiences as running alongside of their real life experiences. However, for many this is no longer the case. I attended the Times Education Supplement (TES) Safeguarding conference, following the publication of the TES Safeguarding Report 2025. And was struck by this comment in the panel discussion:
“Digital life is no longer a parallel world for young people. It’s where they live.”
Like it or not, a great deal of childhood, a great deal of human like now happens in the digital, virtual realm of the internet / social media. And it has many pros and cons. Helping them manage risk, and develop the skills so that they can be resilient and discerning people both on and offline is crucial. It’s a very important part of being a parent in our generation. And one in which we have to find our own way.
It’s not easy. As an educator specialising in wellbeing, relationships, and safeguarding, I have had the discomfiting as well as uplifting luxury of seeing the whole trajectory of the way phones have first infiltrated the lives of first teens, and then younger, and ever younger children. I have known the pickles they get into and the dangers that come their way. And I have been able to use that to inform our approach in our family.
As a parent coach, I have helped numerous families who have experienced crises of different kinds arising from the darker side of online life: dealing with cyberbullying, online grooming, severe dysregulation around screen use, including potential addiction, exposure to pornography – to name but a few.
This newsletter is my Summer 2025 update of ideas to help parents get their eye in on this fast-moving and tricky territory based on recent work, and recent conversations with senior leaders with their overview of what’s being seen in schools currently.
REALISM
- Children and teens are in the sand pit of relational life. Their experiences of the wider world are hands-on and messy from time to time. They have to learn how to navigate conflict and change and the really potent emotions that come with those things – but without the skills or maturity to act on boundaries clearly or cleanly. They act out and act on their hurts until they learn better. This happens more quickly when we are by their side as a reliable first port-of-call.
- How we show up in our children’s lives around their behaviour with peers, and their interactions with the wider world is what is most in our control. There will be turbulence. We need to be effective, calm, and resourceful pilots, steering the way ahead with clear vision and compassion.
- Never assume that other parents have the same approach or the same values as you. Even if you think you know them well. When it comes to online operations, there is huge variation in parents – even of relatively young children- from completely laissez-faire and even neglectful through to tightly controlling. Do not assume that all will be well facing up to problematic behaviour online amongst kids and teens parent-to-parent. You may be able to form a productive alliance – but don’t rely on it and don’t waste energy chasing it. Focus your energies on what is absolutely within your locus of control – in your relationship with your child / tween / teen. Open communication, non-judgmental problem-solving, disaster recovery, scaffolded independence, building the skills that will help manage the risks of the lives they will lead online.
- Never assume your child would never lash out or write something cruel or offensive online. With the right context, the right provocation, the right audience, things can easily go too far. Even young children pre-secondary / high school know what buttons to press. And yes, you may see exchanges that absolutely shock you – that may be completely out of character in your child or in other children you think you know well. But in close to 20 years of smartphones impacting on school life, know that these things happen. And whether or not the child understands the full impact of what has been said, that’s our job as adults to ensure they can learn and grow into being more response-able when provoked, and more responsible for their actions as a whole.
- Work with the school and any other relevant agencies if there is a situation online that extends beyond a moment of unkindness. I like to reference Clinical Psychologist, and best-selling author Michelle Borba (Thrivers). She calls it the rule of too…When a situation is too intense for too long, and it’s making our child’s mood / behaviour too different – then it’s time to act and get specialist help. If it’s a mental health situation we’re looking at 2-3 weeks to see a GP, the school nurse – a medical healthcare professional. If it’s an online situation that involves a clear breach of school policy – eg harassment and abusive behaviour online, then screen shot the evidence and report to the school. If there are threats or sexualised content used to humiliate or dominate your child, look up the guidance and contact the police. Follow Report Remove protocols on whatever platform is being used.
- https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/dealing-with-bullying/
- https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/bullying-abuse-safety/online-mobile-safety/report-remove/
The basics – starting as you mean to go on…or re-setting your path in the interests of emotional and relational health and safety.
- We’re going for inheritance and heritage over entitlement. Just because older siblings, friends may have been given phones at their age, does not mean they should have one. If some of your inheritance tracks involve the capacity for delayed gratification, appreciation, responsibility, and gratitude, then stand firm. It is YOUR decision when they are ready for a phone – not theirs. And that decision will be based on a sense of trust – accountability, and being open to being guided.
- Prior to them getting the phone, you should ensure they know you will check the device, the apps, and the quality of the messaging regularly. And then you need to make sure you do that. Religiously. It’s the mantra of say what you mean, and mean what you say.
- There needs to be transparency about passwords. No secret passwords for devices or phones or for accessing apps.
- There should be absolute and clear guidelines and rules concerning access and use of any web-enabled device. This isn’t only about limiting screen time overall, but also about budgeting for use on different apps. These may be flexed on a temporary basis for holidays and travel – but it’s your decision and context-specific. If the agreement doesn’t work out, you reserve all rights for further restriction – their access may go up or down. But it’s totally linked to trust, transparency, and accountability.
- The way your child’s device is set up should ensure that you maintain control over what they can and can’t download. You should also consider monitoring software like Qustodio (other brands exist – check out how they work). This will alert you to edgy search terms and content that may be inappropriate or linked to safeguarding trigger words.
- Devices should never be allowed in bedrooms or bathrooms, and should be kept out of their reach in a place easy for you to supervise. This has particular importance when it comes to understanding and minimising risks about what our children might share online. And in particular the way in which frauds and AI generated material (deepfake technology) might exploit the information in their backdrop. https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/resource/children-nudification-tools-and-sexually-explicit-deepfakes/
- The use of a camera and webcam needs discussion and clear protocols. What is suitable and not suitable to wear – even if they think it’s a private call. What they might be revealing in their backdrop is also something to discuss from a security and safeguarding point of view. Webcams are hackable (camfecting).
- Age restrictions and guidelines should be taken very seriously. Especially where social media platforms are concerned. When you do allow your child to get started on this, make it manageable for you to be their guide by the side. One platform at a time, and only with you by their side to see how the algorithm works and to ensure their understanding about etiquette and appropriate use are fully embedded. Start with something simple and age appropriate, and hold off certain platforms like Tiktok until later – in the UK and the US, parent campaigners have reported particular problems with inappropriate content for minors.
- You need to have protocols for what they should do when they see something or experience something online that is upsetting. No matter how much you lock things down, accept that this is more than likely to happen. The work of the Children’s Commissioner reflects this strongly over the years – when researching the impact of porn, AI nudification apps, sexting, sexual harassment online. 10% have seen this sort of stuff by 9 years old. Yes. 9 years old. 50% by 14. 89% by 18. And this is not the industry-regulated stuff. It’s via Tiktok, X, and even Pinterest. It won’t be covered by the online safety act. And I haven’t even started on toxic behaviour online like cyberbullying, intimidation, and shaming ‘pile-ons’… If it’s not happening on their device, it’s something they can easily see on someone else’s . Be matter of fact about it. Make sure they know that they will never get into trouble for asking for help or checking in with you about something that gets under their skin and makes them uncomfortable in any way.
- Make sure they know that anything they do online is public. It’s highly visible, screen-shottable, public. Whatever they or do online goes out there in the world and is beyond their control. Other people, eg friend’s parents can see their messages, so it’s important that whatever you write, whatever pictures you send, or emojis you use, you’d be happy to show parents, grandparents, teachers. Nothing is completely private.
- Parents need to guide young people to avoid engaging in unkind behaviour online – to not participate in harsh judgment or criticism or join in with ‘pile-ons’. If they have a problem with what someone else has said or done, they should address it in-person. If they are on the receiving end of unkindness, harsh words, they need a strategy to take the heat out of it and not contribute any further energy to the fire triangle… ‘Noted’. ‘Thank-you’, and ‘Thank you. I hope you feel better…’ are ways they can acknowledge and walk away. Children and young teens can get carried away with this in online group dynamics. There’s a big difference between the sense of impunity about what gets said online vs in-person. Make no mistake about the potential for the extremes of this – as a coach, I have worked with parents of children as young as Year 5 who have been encouraged to end their lives by several of their peers online.
- Legal responsibility starts at age 10. They should never say or do anything unkind online. And if they think someone is being bullied online, they ought to report it or call it out, and if appropriate give support to the person being targeted.
- No social media posting until you are confident that they can be safety compliant. No sharing birthdays, pet names, images of others – especially without permission and tagging them.
- Be their guide-by-the-side…You also need to be able to look at what they and their friends are saying and help them learn to manage tone and content about what’s appropriate to say online and what is more appropriate to say in person. This needs to happen over the course of a few years regularly and selectively. It needs to be a condition of their use of web-enabled devices. They need the skills to set agreed protocols with the different groups they are part of. Eg no swearing, no body-shaming, no sexualised comments…
- No matter how tech-savvy you are, locking down a phone is not enough to stop it being used inappropriately. It’s all about trust. If they can google, they can google a work-around to access whatever you’ve not allowed them to have. Pinterest, and other platforms can provide a back door into all sorts…
- Chat rooms for apparently innocuous games can have all sorts of edgy elements. Do they know who they are talking to? Anyone who they are ‘talking to’ online who they don’t know – all of that needs monitoring and some checking for transparency and quality control. There are people out there seeking to influence young people in all sorts of ways who do not have their best interests at heart. Watch out, for instance, for testing behaviour, where your child seems to be trying on provocative stances they know go against your values, your family values. It may be misogyny, racism, misandry, tribalism of one sort or another. Your over-reaction plays into the influencer/groomer’s hands and is used to gain currency with your child whilst creating doubts / driving wedges in their family relationships… ‘See – I told you they would do that…’
It’s important to be present in our children’s lives online. There are many, many wonderful things that can come from navigating the online world skilfully. The online space can gift our children with opportunity for learning, connection, creativity and all kinds of growth. These digital hygiene measures are good for keeping our children safe, and helping them learn how to minimize the risks that they all face as they grow in and through this space.
Not all games are bad. Not all time spent online is problematic. But we need to be able to invest in being there for our children and with them. Making sure that they are accessing games that have different qualities is really helpful. Games that rev them up…games that calm them down. Games that are action adventure based, games that have a narrative arc.
We don’t think twice about seeing our child perform in a show. Or about taking them to practices or matches at the weekend or after school. We have much more leverage in the conversations we have about the quality, quantity, and impact of their screen-time through being present, curious, interested, appreciative, and understanding of what they get out of their experiences.
A book that I would recommend to help with this is Taming Gaming by Andy Robertson, and here’s a link to helpful YouTube resources: https://www.youtube.com/user/FamilyGamerTV
I hope these tips are helpful. It may be that in reading this, you may want to embark on some re-setting. Many parents go through various awakenings about where boundaries need to be changed and adjusted. Sometimes these are precipitated by events and upsets. Sometimes, these emerge from a sense that there are too many disconnections in family life.
Habits harden and change over time in family life. But just as bad habits are learned behaviours, those behaviours can be unlearned over time. When it comes to neurodiversity – especially ADHD – a lack of routine and structure was identified as the first of six factors that make ADHD worse. So as a parent working on routine and structure in the home, is an important way of helping young people be better regulated, and learn skills to be more on top of executive function struggles.
This is an issue for all young people – especially those with ADHD and other forms of neurodiversity. Persuasive design – built into devices, apps, games, means our children and teens are not able to do this for themselves, they need parents and carers to take the lead.
It’s problematic when scrolling on social media or gaming become the only source of soothing and entertainment. It’s problematic when it interferes with the ability to work effectively – eg by fragmenting the concentration and compromising attentional focus – or connect effectively – because the screen gets too much priority and becomes the cause of patterned misattunements – or – especially when it’s on our part as parents ‘micro-abandonments’ as Kim John Payne (Clinical Psychologist and author of Simplicity Parenting among other great books) styles it .
Course corrections – changing the deal in family life, establishing boundaries and routines – may be easy to do, but sometimes it is difficult when emotions run high and people feel defensive or feel attacked.
When children and teens become especially emotionally dysregulated at the prospect of task switching, or having their screen-time curtailed and shaped, it can be the source of conflict and a very painful adjustment to achieve. Sometimes the resistance is so strong that it’s hard to be consistent and to stick to the new deal.
Contact me if this is the case and you’d like some support in forming your strategy and approach, securing buy-in, and setting yourself up for success.
That’s it for now – I hope this 2025 update on Digital Hygiene has been helpful.
All the best
Emma.
