Choose Respect. Including and especially for yourself.
Anti-bullying week ideas. Key steps you can take to empower yourself, your child or teen, and anyone you’re supporting as an education professional.
Accept and embrace the fact that not everyone in the world has a dominant instinct for kindness and generosity.
We, our friends and loved ones, our kids, our teens, as they grow – will all encounter difficult people in our lives. Resourcing ourselves, so that we can cope with, learn, and grow from these encounters is a life-skill that will shape our sense of self, our identity, our values – and bring into focus our ethics.
Straight away, recognise and remove the second dart of suffering – resisting and ruminating on why some people might behave in selfish, unkind, status-driven ways, and why they are in our lives.
The pain, and bristling awkwardness of rubbing up against someone who is aggressive, defensive, manipulative, prone to using others for self-aggrandizement, casually, and even wilfully cruel – will always be there. It’s not something we can control or avoid. Not for ourselves, not for our children.
Teaching young people to notice red flag behaviours so they can take effective action to protect themselves has been part of my life’s work as a professional, and as a parent.
It is likely that aggression, self-oriented behaviour, lower empathy levels, anti-social personality traits have an evolutionary basis.
Without wanting to say anyone should have to suck up bullying behaviour, there’s a reason why these behaviours are so prevalent. And also why historically they’ve tended to come to the fore when times are hard.
I write this on the day that Trump, a convicted felon, and someone who has openly declared and embraced approaches to others that are coercive, including sexual harassment, making use of threats, intimidating language, manipulation of facts – has been elected President. In the same week, Dame Priti Patel, who was found guilty of bullying behaviour whilst in office, has now been made Shadow Foreign Secretary.
Thinking back to our anthropological past in hunter-gatherer tribes, there would certainly have been a place both for those with pro-social skills of empathy, compassion, cooperation, as well as for those who had the capacity to show strength more and care less in the service of protection and survival.
There is always a negotiation to be had between a) self-oriented drives, autonomy, and personal power and b) the drive for community, safety, belonging. The excess of one is generally eventually regulated by the other – with the exception of a very few people who are genuinely not caring about belonging or how they are perceived. There’s a high cost to not being accepted.
We need to be careful, the way that socially all of us have become more adept and likely to bring clinical labels to behavioural traits -especially when it comes to young people. Demonising them or their behaviour does not provide fertile soil for growth and movement either in a child who is the target or victim, or in the young person whose behaviour is problematic.
Reflective questioning – noticing – articulating values and opening up meanings – is more helpful than labelling.
The language we use is important. It can harden the meanings we make of things, and the stories we tell each other. Labelling a person toxic, a narcissist, a bully ‘nouns’ them – and the situation…when we need to ‘verb’ the situation and the person creating the damage. It raises the stakes, increases the drama, and makes it harder to approach bids for repair.
See linked article: https://emmagleadhill.com/articles/bullying-and-toxic-relationships-at-school/
Working with a young person who shows signs of the ‘dark triad’ traits – of being narcissistic, Machiavellian, and anti-social / sociopathic – it gives you more to work with when – in working with them – you bring recognition that there are pros and cons to their behaviour patterns. And helping them see both sides of that equation is a way to bring them to a point of choice where choosing respect actually becomes an option.
When working with a young person on the receiving end of unkind and problematic behaviour, it can be useful to think together about what sort of gains are had by the other person. This can shift them out of victim-hood which can involve the internalization of shame and into observation mode. The observer effect helps to disrupt the overwhelm of the emotional content.
Moving into being a noticer through active questioning and focused reflection, ushers in a more empowered viewpoint which can be so helpful in enabling a young (or older!) person to take action appropriately. Here are some questions to ask to help – and these questions are particularly effective in the context of supporting a young person whose friendship has changed from being supportive and mutual, to unpredictable and unequal or excluding:
- It feels like this person really needs control. What do you know about where they are / are not in control in this situation, and in their life elsewhere, like at home?
- Do you think they need to be powerful to feel good about themselves? Do you have any idea why? What might feed into that for them?
- What are the benefits that you think they get from behaving in this way? What do you think about that?
- What is the energy and information flow like when you’re with / around this person? Where does the spotlight go? Who gets to take the lead? Do you like that? Do you think that’s how it ought to be? How do you think that plays out long term in friendships?
- What role do you think you’re playing in their life right now? What role would you prefer? What moves could be made to make that more possible?
Teaching young people the appreciation equation…Noticing the helpers, noticing the good…
Helping the young people in our lives be good at uplifting other people raises the tone they bring to their interactions. Showing appreciation is a key ‘likeability’ trait (Professor Mitch Prinstein). It helps establish valuing other people as a social norm, and part of the currency of a good relationship. It also invites connection and a reciprocal noticing which is also boosting. It’s the secret sauce that grows the good in relationships.
As adults, we need to be good role models in this direction too. How often have we made ‘take-down’ comments about other people, sometimes completely gratuitously. For instance critiquing what people are wearing on the red carpet…Or withheld a compliment…either consciously or unconsciously because maybe there’s something in us that’s envious of a friend’s holiday, new house, new car, promotion.
Looking within at how we are modelling respect to our kids in our day-today lives is very important.
We can be so busy and distracted, sometimes we get worse at the niceties of life. For instance to smile at a shopkeeper. To engage on a level that is more than functional, but actively friendly when someone is serving us out and about. To get adept at having something meaningful to notice and mark about what other people contribute is an excellent skill to have – to create and build connection.
When I was a school leader, I was often guilty of being so driven about the next thing on the list that I might forget to really celebrate the contributions others were making with the warmth that would have given them more of a sense of fulfilment, and engagement.
Modelling the idea that when we behave with warmth, when we actively choose respect and noticing of other people’s value – we create a pathway for the good to grow in our interactions. Usually it’s a virtuous upward spiral of growth and expansiveness. Our warmth and kind conduct is mirrored in return. And when it’s not – it’s unusual, it’s striking – and here’s the key…it is not our fault.
Developing a range of responses to call out misattunements and downright bad behaviour…
Empowering them in the moment…
Life is a series of moments. Some are much bigger than others. The ones that take up serious real estate in our minds are the ones that belittle, threaten, humiliate, shame us.
What makes bullying so difficult, is its social context. The destabilizing of a friendship, the demarcation of status in a group, the private dressing-down. When a person or a group punches down, it happens in the theatre of that context. The light of hope existed – that things would be alright, that you could feel belonging and safety – and then it got put out.
The shock of that moment often leads to overwhelm. Embarrassment, shock, speechlessness. And the inward collapse is held together somehow by silence. What’s hard about that survival response – which from the outside seems so passive, but at the level of the nervous system is extreme – is the inaction part. It has a heavy legacy of disbelief, self-doubt, and often gets replayed over and over again. That feeling of helplessness in the face of unfairness can feel crippling and compounding to the sense of self.
‘I can’t believe I find myself the sort of person who gets treated badly (shame) – what did I do to deserve it (questioning) – but I also did nothing about it (self blame) – maybe that’s why I deserve it…(self doubt)’
Helping young people understand that their reaction in that moment was a natural one that was self-protective in origin – is very helpful. However, from that experience is the need to build sense of their agency and possibility for the future. This is what will help break the rumination loop and help them learn from their horrible experience and be better resourced for the future.
Action binds anxiety – so helping kids find manageable, actionable, and authentic ways to respond in the moment is a great way forward. However, this comes with a care warning on the side. It’s really important that anyone who has had experience of victimisation feels that there’s a burden on them to never let it happen again in the future.
Working with racist micro-aggressions, for instance – whilst it is important to see what’s happening for what it is – it’s not appropriate to feel that you have to be a non-stop crusader every single time. It’s important to feel that you have the discretion when to act and when to not take action – and to feel that separation between other people’s bad behaviour which is on them, and your own behaviour.
As a parent, it’s great to coach your kid to stand up for themselves -but it would be a mistake to get too attached to them doing what you role-played with them in the comfort of your home and the safety of your relationship. Help them learn and grow from each action or inaction – to see the benefits and the costs without heaping on a side order of shame that they didn’t live up to your advice…
Whenever I do workshops with young people about self-regulation, handling change, and having difficult conversations, there’s always a wonderful sense of engagement when we look at manageable, low-stakes ways of calling out bad behaviour. I love to see people start to sit a little bit straighter, their eyes brighten, as they feel more resourced…
Here are some of my favourites that work super-well in the everyday context of status-driven behaviour, jokes, or banter that leave a nasty after-taste…
Non-verbal registering (play with tone to adapt to the situation):
Oooh!
Ouch!
Wow!
Verbal -registering shock – checking for approval-rating…challenging to repeat…
Sorry – what was that?
What did you just say?
Did I just hear you right?
Really?
Some classic come-backs from Ru Paul – with that drag-queen energy
Thanks for the warning…
I’ll be the judge of that.
I really don’t see how that’s any of your business.
And other classics:
You should put that in writing.
Narrating out load
OK – so you’re really touching my hair.
OK – so now you’re actually taking food from my plate.
SO you’re really going right in there and looking in my bag…
Spoken in a warm but slightly confused voice – it marks the moment. By naming what’s going on in this way there’s a line of separation between what the other person is doing and the lack of consent.
All of these have power because they are short, simple, direct, and thought provoking. Even with a syllable, delivered well tonally, can be used playfully to make a serious point – that something happened that didn’t feel right, that didn’t really work for you.
The phrases are great for keeping the focus where it should be – on the other person’s behaviour and impact. And on the retention of one’s own self-respect and dignity as an entirely separate entity. Being resourced with these little light challenges can be a turnaround factor in restoring self-confidence and self-respect.
All are ways of testing and reality-checking the level to which the other person is invested in how their behaviour makes them look to you, and / or in front of other people. It might have an impact by sending a warning that you don’t appreciate how they are showing up. It might not – it might be the prelude towards a difficult conversation outlining the problem and inviting repair.
Next steps are consequential choices. If appeals for a more respectful relationship are not met, then acting on boundaries follows:
- Reframing how you see the other person more clearly – in terms of trust, loyalty, supportiveness, the expectations you have that they might meet your needs in terms of respect or friendship. Promoting them or demoting them as is appropriate in your circle of trust.
- Resizing the relationship – taking measures to reduce the likelihood, intensity, and frequency of their harmful behaviour. As a last resort, this may lead to ending the relationship
- Reporting to appropriate authorities where the impact of the behaviour is damaging, repair or respect is not forthcoming, and where there is an escalation of activity, intensity, or a systematic drive to exclude.
I hope that this framework gives you some helpful food for thought as in the UK we move into 2024’s anti-bullying week with the theme of ‘Choosing Respect’.
Some of the work I do that is linked and may be of interest / have relevance to you in your work or family life:
1:1 coaching, mediation work.
Parent coaching/mentoring – how to work effectively with your child and their school if your child is being bullied, or has been accused of bullying.
Webinars for parents:
- Supporting our children when times get tough with peers.
- Building social confidence and supporting young people with making and keeping friends.
- Reframing popularity and building likeability skills.
Workshops for young people:
- Handling change and conflict with friends.
- Health-checking your friendships. The power of identifying your values and acting on boundaries in skillful ways.
- Being real, handling rupture, and getting good at repair.
Training for teachers:
- Supporting and boosting inclusivity in friendship groups and among peers.
- Working with young people who are stuck in grudges, resentment, and cycles of toxic drama in their relationships.
- Working with difficult groups and cliques
- Supporting students who feel lonely, lack social confidence and may be experiencing social anxiety.
- Likeability skills – what they are, why they are so key to improving culture and relationships, and how to foster them.
Linked articles:
https://mailchi.mp/emmagleadhill/supporting-children-through-social-isolation-and-loneliness
https://mailchi.mp/emmagleadhill/what-do-you-do-when-you-think-your-childs-bff-is-bad-news
Barbara Fredrickson – Broaden and Build paper:
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/B9780124072367000012
